


And Then They Were On The Shipping Wall (The Dave Strider Love Guru remix)

by MacaroniSwirls



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Ouroboros Mix Lightning Round, They totally yiff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MacaroniSwirls/pseuds/MacaroniSwirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clue number one was visiting Jade’s room to see a poster of a horse smashing apart the moon with its erect throbbing penis. “Jade, I’m having trouble seeing if you’re actually being sincere or ironic here.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Then They Were On The Shipping Wall (The Dave Strider Love Guru remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [overthetiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/overthetiber/gifts).
  * Inspired by [and then she shows him her furAffinity account](https://archiveofourown.org/works/220017) by [overthetiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/overthetiber/pseuds/overthetiber). 



> This fic was adorable and it was really nice being able to remix it! I'm not the best writer, but I still hope you enjoy it!

TG: jade i heard from john youve got a new beau  
TG: i figure you should work it out beauty and the beast style  
TG: you can both strap on your horse cocks and yiff majestically on the robot pile  
TG: the freaky horse dildos he probably has will like bloom majestically  
TG: hell lose the horns and become a beautiful human prince  
TG: i mean hell still be a disgusting sweaty asshole with a fetish but hey everyone has their faults  
GG: dave we were just looking at pictures gosh!!!  
TG: no i mean who the hell bonds with each other through looking at horse porn  
TG: my strider sense can feel it coming  
TG: nepetas going to be using animal blood or some shit and scrawling a giant picture of you two saying ‘they did the nasty’  
TG: right next to a picture of your tombstone saying ‘RIP JADE ripped in pieces by a giant horse dick’  
GG: dave ew why would you even talk about that!!!  
GG: i wasn’t even thinking about anything like that! X(  
TG: whatever just know that if you ever decide to take getting that horse boy seriously  
TG: im right here to go love guru on your ass and tell you how to get him to come begging to you for sick quadrant action  
GG: psshh fine!

 

Strider was no fool.

He had found enough scraps of evidence to figure out that the two were pining hard for each other. Not that he was openly looking for it – he had simply been cataloguing bits and pieces of information. It had begun with Nepet putting a ship on her wall with a giant picture of Jade and Equius – Dave hadn’t put much credit in this, since even farting in one’s general direction was enough for Nepeta to put something in her wall. A much needed slap given to Eridan by Dave had landed the two of them as moirails on the chart.

Dave never quite got shipper logic.

However, more and more hints had gathered up. He was like Steve from Blue’s Clues, sitting down in his chair and spending two minutes piecing together clues that a kindergardner could figure out. Wow, shit, put together a paint, paper, and a paintbrush and you can make a picture! The shock absolutely floors him.

Nepetas scrawled out Jade and Equius on the wall was Dave’s thinking chair. It really had nothing to do with anything and would be there regardless whether there was any thinking or not, but it did jog the mind.

Clue number one was visiting Jade’s room to see a poster of a horse smashing apart the moon with its erect throbbing penis.

“Jade, I’m having trouble seeing if you’re actually being sincere or ironic here.” He can’t stop staring at it. If he turns away, it just sits, glaring at him from the corner of the eye. It’s like Lil Cal in pornographic picture form.

“Oh, Equius gave it to me! It was nice – my room did need a bit of brightening up. It’s an original, you know. I never thought I’d get a copy of it, but he just gave it to me, and – oh, gosh Dave, the look on your face!”

She giggled, but he ignores it. He is Dave Strider, and he never look unnerved by anyone talking about horse porn. Horse porn is totally cool. He was just feeling a little shifty and unnerved by other things. This is the type of thing Dave likes to say to himself when he’s actually getting unnerved by things like horse porn and puppets.

However, Jade was a bit too excited about that gift, and this was easily noticed. Jade gets excited about everything, but the most to be expected is an eager ‘thank you!!! 8D’ and not an eager rant about to everyone.

Clue number two was found when Dave happened to pass by Equius and Nepeta laying around having a feelings orgy. Equius was sweating bullets. Seriously, somebody could probably freeze them into tiny little gun pellets and have enough ammunition to fuel all of World War Two. Nepeta was all curled around him like…well, a cat, and Dave happened to hear just enough of a wisp of it to catch his attention.

“Equius, those type of gifts are purrfectly normal mating behaviors?”

He heard Equius guffaw and stutter as he walked by and Dave casually catalogued it in his memory. Survival on this meteor gets a lot easier when he can figure out who’s crushing on who. That way, he can keep out of the way of the wonder of troll/human puberty sloppy make outs.

Clue number three wasn’t so much as clue as a bunch of occurring happenstances that made the answer extremely obvious. Little occasions of Jade and Equius chatting together. The two of them huddling in front of a computer, having intense discussion over what Dave assumed could only be the deepest darkest depths of furry porn. Dave Strider had a sixth sense to this kind of thing, and he could see the beginnings of a relationship from a universe away. Terezi could lick all over this thing and it would be as red as her color fetish.

 

GG: soooooooo  
GG: I was thinking of maybe taking you up on that offer  
GG: what are the proper steps for wooing someone?  
GG: i surely couldn’t have as much experience as the great dave strider!  
TG: yeah im pretty much banging bitches left and right  
TG: cant beat this strider skill  
TG: girls and guys be lining up left and right to touch my clavicle  
GG: ultimate ladies man! hehe!  
TG: so what kind of love advice do you want me to lay on you harley  
GG: maybe how to ask out a certain troll?  
GG: one that happens to be meowrails with a certain nepeta leijon?  
TG: yeah ill help you just lay off the cat puns  
TG: sweet jesus

 

He hears Nepeta’s giggling a few days later, and there’s that picture of Jade and Equius and the dumb heart between them outlined in ‘Mutant Grub Red’ or whatever crayon color names trolls have.

“About time their little tryst became official. They were just about poisoning the whole meteor with their musclebeast love.”

“Dave, come on, I think it’s apurrable!”

“Dude, Nep, it’s people being happy together. Of course it’s downright diabetes inducing.”


End file.
